Formlessness

I hear a lot about formlessness. At first I could try to associate it with chaos, yet even that has a form and a pattern to it in the big picture. For me it is a feeling, yet cannot be put into thought that makes sense. Even in the disorientation of feeling like my body is no longer physical with waves of something passing threw me, can this even be formlessness as I can sort of put it into words or try to rationalize it. Part of me goes, how could one step into formlessness yet still function here and where would be the purpose. Or is it a state of experience one experiences for a moment, then it is gone, and we return to the human condition with a new perspective. Is it the state of expansion where there is no separation, no security, only expansion. It felt as if the universe existed within me. Yet even this I try to rationalize. Try to understand it. I put myself into a protective bubble so that I can feel that I at least have some kind of boundary to myself as this is known. To let go of the rational mind, does this mean one must loose touch with this world and everyone in it, only to find another. Yet here we get locked up. HeHe. There must be some functionality, yet the mind must be able to let go. Is it the edge, a high wire, a freefall, or floating in a void vacuum, or none of the above and outside explanation. I feel like I am just playing with myself trying to find a rational explanation for something that is not rational. Yet my intent is giving away the addiction of the illusion I have been programmed with, I suppose to change my point of reference. --- To function without a belief system, only to use what is most appropriate for the moment. I think to myself is it possible to be this fluid. I am constantly going to newer depths of where I am attached. Of where I am not willing to let go of what I think is. Then create the fight, the war againsed what is to hold onto what is known. Sometimes it is like I am fighting for my very life, for my very sanity. And all it is, is fear. That simple, yet I purposefully try to slit my own throat with it. HeHe. Even now, I am creating all this drama around "trying" to understand, yet isn't my understanding I have to let go of with clarity being an enemy here. All I have to do is not take it so personally, yet in the depth of my core that feels like betraying the very fabric of who I think I am. LOL It feels like I am killing myself and nurturing myself at the same time. To have self care in the death, held safe in the womb of whakan. Even in the knowing of the ruthlessness of nature, yet at the same time, love beyond measure.